I'm · falling · on · the · wind

I've been feeling quite crappy lately with no reason for it. recently my anxiety has dramaticly sky rocketed all i want to do is sleep. 
I know i have to get up and go to school then work so i do.
I  have to stay up to do my homework today. 
i gotta suck it up and get things straight  
i know i will it's just i have to do it now nut there is not enough hours in the day
i need to take myself on a date or have  a girls night out i don't know 
i know! ill cut my hair yay i've been wanting to do that. I also want to buy rollers 
to style my hair cuz i never do that. 

omg! i think im growing up lol 

i feel better now 
oy 13:36! i have to get ready for work!

Do you have a cigarette?
Do you have a light?
The first puff is the best
inhaling is taking a deep breath of relaxation 
and every single one after that just makes it better
i can chain smoke a pack sometimes.
The party scene makes it easier
a drink in one hand a cigarette in the other
If you have a bad day at work or just a stressful day 
you get out of wherever and you light-up and it helps 
you think about the next steps or you just say fuck it 
either way the problem will be solved.
and your stress is gone 
a goodnight cigarette to sleep well
it'll tuck you right in leaving you in the most peaceful sleep

night night

it was never like this __before

it started happening when i was 17

all of a sudden my eyes got all watery

then i started having the sniffles feeling congested

now it happens when the weather changes.

Every single time i get sick and i get allergies

thats not fun. It's 12:04 too late to call in

We'll not really i mean it is but i could still do it.

I don't want to i've been calling all the time lately.

I just took some meds hope they work fast i don't like being sick.

I hope this year is busy for me. I want to do so much so many books i want to finish reading and writing about.
I didn't know the extent of my inability to express myself until the other day i just couldn't capture my emotion with words or my actions even. With that i want to learn to improve my communication with people to just be able to translate my self into words. 
with the coming of the warm season i would like to go beer tasting maybe wine but i think i would like to do beer first. I read an article on the history of beer and before it was bottled and it really made me want to try the different beer out there.
 I also cant wait to go to myopic to read and stay there till they close i recently found out they dont close til 1 or 3 in the morning! they also have coffee and a cat!  i just cant wait till it starts getting warmer.

Breweries 2009!

What makes me veronica
Is it my personality

Per-son-al-i-ty:[pur-suh-nal-i-tee] noun, plural ties

the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of an individual.
the quality of being a person; existence as a self-conscious human being; personal identity.

perhaps it's my characteristics

Char-ac-ter-is-tics:[kar-ek-te-ris-tik] noun. A feature that helps to identify, tell apart, or describe recognizably; a distinguishing mark or trait.

Defining critical moments

Being alone does not neccessarily mean the lack of people around me or the lack of love from a relationship. it just means no real connection with other people no real talking no real interaction. It's all a facade to get to that personal  "plan" whatever that may be it could be to get weekends off from a job though you shouldn't but you want it so you'r going to try and fit your agenda and manipulate things to make it work that way . It could also be working with a group and instead of thinking about whats good for the group and you  you think only of whats good for you that get everyone chasing their tails not knowing that we're going in the same direction wasting time not communicationg with each other because if we do it alone it will look better on out resume on our agenda. We're fighting for the same thing but we don't want to help each other we're fighting for our voice to be heard and yet instead of uniting it we turn away from each other and pretend we're alone.
We're not alone in any fight we're just blind by our greed just trying to get those 15 minutes of fame so our name could be on everyones mouth then what? then nothing. I just want a real connection a conversation that i can be satisfied with... to quench my thirst for humanity..

I defined 2008 as the fuck it year of my life. The year i learned to say fuck it. I learned money is just money  and that for me it does not matter as much as i thought it did. This coming year is gonna be a more focused year for me focused on my self my future my life. i realize that  2008 was also a focus year for me but one year was just not enough for me to be in order. This reminds me of  "Waking Life"  when two women are talking about getting older and how they enjoy it better than their twenty's because when they were in their twenty's they felt lost with no real direction, they said that they kept expecting to reach a plateau in their life but that never happend.  I know i'm always gonna keep progressing but i want is a certainty i want the  

 

What makes me veronica
Is it my personality

per-son-al-i-ty

/ˌpɜrsəˈnælɪti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [pur-suh-nal-i-tee]the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of an individual.
<td class="dnindex"></td> <td>the quality of being a person; existence as a self-conscious human being; personal identity</td>

So here i am at work today it's good i mean that other lady isn't here breathing down my neck giving me a hard time. Im good i had a good conversation with norma even though  she was drunk we spoke as always freely and truthfully. Then she feel asleep as i was talking to her about how my day went. I just turned off the lights and went to bed. I woke up to norma jumping on my bed with the dogs attacking her. haha. she said are you gonna wake up now? i said what time is it? it was 11. i had the craziest dream about rolling giant trash cans and storms that were created by a witch they took my dogs and turned them into monsters then they got like in power rangers super big it was crazy norma said so what drugs ddid you take before you went to sleep. haha i didn't but i had such good sleep but a crazy as dream i wonder what it means maybe theres chaos in my life and i don't know what it means or how to react to it? hrm maybe but all i know for sure is that when the witch in my dream turned my dog into a monster i was going after her bitch better not mess with my babies. there were also deformed trolls and castles. I don't know what was going on.

i want to buy and read all these books but i don't know what translation i should pick
i'll post them later

~ V

I came to work thinking that it was going to go good like the previous days why would it be any different it's alot of work but i'm calm, collected and i can do this and i do very well or so i thought. Now my head is filled with dought
i second guess myself. When i walked in i logged in shes usually on the same computer she only chooses that one but when i was about to sit she pulls the chair from behind and says im not done from here and with her other arm she touches me she pushes me away. I said oh ok i didn't know your alwayse on that other one. but she said nothing she was just so mean. Then i sat down and i hadn't even logged in not even five seconds had passed and she says have you been putting in all the orders she said everyday doctors go up to her and tell her that an order was never put in. i said oh well there was another girl working with me too and she said but this has been going on all week and i said well i'll just look harder. she asked if i know all the procedures that i put in i said no but if i dont know hoe to put it in i ask the nurse. she said ohh ok. i had an order i didn't know how to put in right away it was the first one and i had to ask her i asked her and she's like very brutal saying im going to show you but it's up to you to put it in you don't have to it's up to the nurse to do that. I just did it. then i did another order and the place that recives the orders that i put in called right away as i filed it and said was it you that put in this order for this patient i said yea he said well it was put incorrectly and ask the nurse if theres no reason. So i re did it and this time i put it in right... nope they called again like five seconds apart saying that the doctor wanted something else he probably just wrote it wrong so i gave the phone to the nurse and he said he would just fix it. All day i got orders that i didn't know and it just made me feel worse about not knowing what i was doing or missing orders. I was here when they told mary that an order was not put in but it wasn't me it wasnt my writing. If the nurses keep their charts then they are responsible of putting the orders in not me. I wanted to strangle this other nurse saying it was my responsibility to call transport and that she had told me three hours ahead of time which was is a complete lie! she never told me and i told he it wasn't my responsibility she also wanted me to file an incomplete order and i asked her what is it asking for she said i dont know i said well then how do i file it. she said just do it so i went to the charge nurse and told her she wants me to file it transport is here to pick up the patient and theres no reason or anything and then the charge nurse said just give it to transport and the floor that's receiving the patient will have to do it. i was relieved. The night people are so much more nicer makes me want to change hours but i cant do that i cna't give in. Fuckers jerks and then the doctor who is always angry was happy! he was almost jumping with joy he was talking to me like i was an actual human he didn't sound snotty or anything that blew my mind the day that i want to blow my brains out he acts human he wasn't nice but he wasn't mean. Then he wrote a fucking order that looked like chicken scratch! mother fuck! i wanted to just die every fucking second i was asking the charge nurse how do you put this in how do you put this is in she was feed up and so was i how the fuck do they expect me to read chicken scratch abreviations and try to decipher them it's beyond me.  What a fucking shitty day. I thought i was doing good and whats even more fucked up is that theres still people telling me im doing good. Even though im not this really nice lady was asking me something then the other mean lady said right right you had a patient thats orders werent put in she softly said yeathen she asked me for a favor and patted my back like it's ok that made me feel better. I don't think she likes me at all and fuck it im not here to impress her. 

Ahhhh that's better i just spoke to a really nice man that i used to see in the mornings but now i dont see him i just talk to him when he gets here at 11 for a few minutes he said i sounded upset but don't let the assholes get to you because your nice. i said yea i know i shouldn't but these douchbags  he started laughing and then i realized what i had said and he says it's ok i haven't heard that in a long time he's like but most of them are most of middle management trying to be something make a name for themselves. well ill see you at home im about to go byee

love ya 
~ V   

I've been working nights i guess partial nights i work for 3 to 11:30 sometimes i stay later to help out a bit.
I do enjoy what i do it's not amazing you know i don't want to do this forever it's just busy work or work for the now.
These are the types of jobs that you try not to get stuck in because while they might provide good income and be
comfortable for the time being you it's not a career it's not something one would stay doing for a lifetime.
well, not me anyway Manny's still around he's not drinking which is good being that he's a hardcore alcoholic but
i think he's scared that this might be his final goodbye if he's not careful. I keep expecting him to fuck up to just start drinking again
i hope he proves me wrong. I know he's trying hard but when you have an addiction and you have nothing to do in the day no
responsibilities or just things you can put your mind on well it becomes hard trying not to think of it. He asked my mom for colored pencils
and paper she gave him katie's crayons. I think it's good he's trying to stay occupied he even asked for benji i said no but maybe in the future
anyway he's not my dog haha no just kidding i love that fur ball. I'm very interested in knowing Many and who he was and who he can be.
You see a person there and you hope for the best but sometimes it's just not enough. I told him i wanted to interview him he said ok.
I want to buy him a violin for his birth day he used to be in the orchestra for bel air high school in el paso. Today i'm going to contact his son angel
they really want to get to know him more and his side of the family i was thinking email that would be cool. I spoke to a guy that was in the shop in tx and
asked for angel and i said it's his cousin from Chicago and when i said Chicago i heard my thick Chicago accent. I'm excited i might get to talk to a cousin.
I've been reading quite a bit recently i like it. Though i may be the only 21yr old who would rather stay home and a read a good book while petting her dogs, instead of
going to a club. Clubs just are not my scene now to walk the dogs and make a deposit i've been slowly drinking coffee but for the most part i dont drink coffee like i used to like water.

~V

It's Monday i didn't work today and all i feel like doing is nothing. I don't think wednesday is happening the lack of financial stability is wearing me out. Bad financial choices are the cause though i enjoy them i  am going to try to limit the spending.I really enjoyed talking to my psychiatrist just being in her office again and talking to the other girl there was refreshing and it made me realize how much i have changed and progressed since the first time i was there. I would not have spoken to anyone i didn't and the dialogue was so different since the first session with her. it makes me feel good that i am slowly becoming more and more comfortable with myself. I recently started talking to one of my high school teachers through email. She is getting her PhD in education that is intense. I thanked her for caring she's always been awesome. I hope i can continue this talking to her. I've been getting distracted from things that i want to do my life goals. Instead i've been focusing purely on the here and now. I've been reading a variety of books and articles. I read The New Yorker and there is a really good article followed by another that really affected me. The first was about Obama and McCain  the differences between the two it really left me satisfied reading it. Then i turned the page an article about white middle class america and what they think of the two candidates. The majority of the people didn't even want to vote saying that they were both bad choices. One person said McCain is going to be the same as the last 8 years and Obama is the end. I had to stop reading the article because it hurt me that people think this. They just don't want to vote because they don't trust Obama it scares me. I liked the article because it brought up a point that the candidates don't bring up. Race it is in fact still an issue for a large number of people and just because it is not addressed does not mean it's not there. Hopefully the future of this nation is not determined by the color of the future president's skin that would only  mean that we are still in  the stone age. It's embarrassing this is still an issue in america.